There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
