break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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