I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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