We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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