I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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