please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
