just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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