Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just forgot I was standing up.
COCAINE IS GR8
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
