did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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