just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
