i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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