Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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