After last night, I could never be a politician.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize