i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
