Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
