I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize