I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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