I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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