we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
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