You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
