There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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