she woke up with a sticky ear
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
