i just sent this text using only my big toe
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
