I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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