Need sex. Gaining weight.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize