Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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