She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
