I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Randomize
