yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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