woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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