i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
