The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
