Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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