Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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