She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
