He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You're like the curious george of whores
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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