I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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