the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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