Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize