How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
