I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
