u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
