So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
