I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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