i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
