Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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