Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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