I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
