So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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