he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
