i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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