i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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