My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
