One girl and one boy is just not enough.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
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