the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
