I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
