Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
