I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
