glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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