Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
