Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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