Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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