Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
