you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
