If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
How's work?
Spinning.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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